Isn’t it amazing how our brain works, shutting out the moments we would really rather not recall? Recently I remembered probably the single most embarrassing thing I have ever done. See I was 21 with a new baby, and our local gas station allowed you to pump before paying. So I started the gas pumping, then got the baby out to go in and pay. I believe I walked around the convenience store while waiting for the gas to stop pumping, then paid, got the baby back in the car and was on my way. Somehow in this exchange I forgot a crucial step of the process, and it didn’t come to my attention until I arrived at my destination.
That’s right my dear friends, similar to the photo scene here, I forgot to take the nozzle out of my car. And to make matters worse, I didn’t realize this until I had driven over three miles and arrived at my destination where my unemployed, druken ex came out to laugh his ass off at me and call his stoned buddies out to laugh as well. At the time I wasn’t amused in the slightest, however now in the retelling of it, as my nine year old and hubby laugh until they almost wet themselves, it seems hilarious.
The last couple of weeks have been difficult for both my mom and mother in law, and for the same reason. Their dad’s are dying. Both have been put into hospice care with a very small likelyhood of living much longer. Of course this has got me thinking about my own dad and how difficult it will be when the day comes that I must say goodbye to him as well. Rather than focus though on losing him, as I hope that won’t be for many years, I would rather think about all the reasons I appreciate my dad.
When I was a kid my dad was an auto machanic. He would come home after working out in the cold or heat, exhausted and stained in grease with cuts on his hands, but he would still play with us kids. He worked extra hours under the table so that we could afford a family vacation every year to the lake. He always stopped if someone was broken down on the side of the road, and offered help to those he knew or didn’t know when it was in his ability to do so. After suffering an injury that made working on cars difficult, he returned to school and got two degree’s allowing him to work at the local college. Since he dropped out of school in 7th grade, this was no easy task. He raised us kids with values, and was adament that we always use the manners we were taught. He has been faithful to my mom for 35 years, and has never uttered an ill word about his parents, though I am sure there were many to be said. I could go on and on about how great my dad is, but more than anything I repect my dad because I know that even as difficult as his kids can be, he is always there to bail us out when we need him.
Because my dad is a private man, even I don’t know his thoughts on most things. I would like to hope that before the day comes when my dad is gone, I will be able to say I learned as much as I could about him. I better start soon though, because there are alot of blanks to be filled in.
After my previous, rather optimistic post, I started watching home videos. I can’t believe how much my kids have grown. It reminded me that in between the fits, feedings, and clean ups there are so many moments of fulfillment. Gotta run now, the two year old just got a new boo boo.
Do you ever wonder what purpose you serve? I don’t mean this on a sulky, “woes me” level, I just mean what precisely is my duty in life and when will I start looking forward to doing it?
I wake up early every day, get going with the kids, have something that inevitably calls me away from home, which steals so much time in the minimal details. For example doctors appointments, or grocery shopping, where I need to dress the girls, hope for good moods, then rush home to unload and put everything away, before my son gets out of school. Then it’s time to start working on naps, and basic maintenance of the many toys lying around. Then get dinner started. After dinner I of course don’t want to wash dishes, put away dinner, or bathe the kids, but every so often I do anyways. On the nights I don’t bother, the following morning begins as the previous day, only with several complete colonies of ants browsing the Rio style buffet we have generously left for them.
It is not as if I don’t feel my family is worthy of all of this, however how many days in my life can repeat in this fashion before it becomes like a broken record playing the same verse over and over again? What’s worse is the condition of my house most days. Even though my kitchen and living room are cleaned almost daily, they never stay that way long enough for anyone to witness it. When friends drop in and there are streaks of something sticky running down the couches, or dark stains in the center of the floor, and smudges of who knows what on every door jam and light switch, I think to myself what they are probably thinking “geez, does this woman ever clean her house?” Shouldn’t this be gratifying knowing that I am supposedly doing the most important job there is? When precisely do the feelings of fulfillment begin?
After nearly 12 years attending college, I can sometimes turn bitter in my endless pursuit to finish. So as much as I try to keep my college bashing to a minimum in front of my children (lest I discourage them from enrolling) sometimes I slip and utter phrases like “this stinks”, or something equally low about the ridiculousness of a given assignment. In fact the closer the deadline of a major assignment, the nastier the comments get.
Today however I received an email from a girl I met last week. In it she thanked me for giving her a “motivational push” to fulfill her dream of finishing college and re-enrolling in her Bachelors program. Ironically this email came as I was cramming to complete the final two major assignments for my last night of class. My first reaction to the email was shock and excitement that someone was encouraged to further their education from something I said. Almost instantly though my thoughts jumped to the moments in the last few years where I have been either ranting or in tears, while forcing myself to keep working on my schooling, and the realization hit me that my name will be what follows the bleep in this girls new misery. Who would’ve thought that one brief encounter could turn me into a motivator and Satan all at once?
Married to a man who is nearly addicted to blogging, I have finally felt the pressure to start my own. When I say pressure this isn’t neccesarily a bad thing, but after a year of nudging, pushing, urging, and insisting on my husbands part, I’d say it’s time I give this modern “sport” a shot. Here is a bit of my history:
I just turned 30, am the mom of three beautiful children and am approaching my 5 yr. anniversary to previously mentioned dh- dear hubby (or damned hubby depending on the mood I’m in, lol). I recently stopped waitressing after nearly 11 yrs at the same restaurant, and will be finished with my bachelors degree next Spring. At this time I will begin my credential program to become an elementry school teacher. Since it took me 10 yrs to finish my Associates I will be extremely excited to finally be done.
One of the reason’s I have resisted blogging for so long is because my writing lacks excitement, and if it bores me this much, I’m not sure I want to invite my friends to suffer through it, lol. Therefore my goal here will be to add more umph to my writing before torturing anyone who knows me personally. Suggestions are always welcome (except from you Damien :) ).
